Vincent Grande demonstrated there is a need for a parent network in Oyster Bay. When he was introduced to speak, at the Drug and Alcohol Abuse Forum held at the Oyster Bay High School on Oct. 29, he asked students who attended the homecoming party in the Cove, to stand up. When students stood up, he asked them, "Did you know they were serving beer there? That's what parents have to be told."

The students sat down quickly.

Mr. Grande had made his point easily, that there was a need for a Parent's Network. He said, "I can't save my son so I want to wake up the community."

Students had been asked earlier, by Father Frank Pizzarelli to stand up. He asked them to hold hands in solidarity and asked the rest of the audience to stand, hold hands and sing along with Whitney Huston as her voice was amplified signing The Greatest Love.

It was a tearful moment as the community pledged to work together to keep another child from dying from taking drugs like heroin.

Mr. Grande said, "I can put a face on it. I know what it is like to loose a 17-year-old. Maybe if we worked together as a community, if we see a kid stoned in front of Dunkin' Donuts, and call the school and the parents. Don't let us lose any more kids. I walked into the bedroom to find my son dead. The cops took out the kid in a black body bag."

Mr. Grande said, "If we work together, go tell other kids, go tell the counselors - don't let us lose any more of our children in this town."

There was applause.

It had been a night of great feeling, as the OBHS- PTSA held a drug awareness forum in front of a full house at the Oyster Bay High School auditorium. The Drug and Alcohol Program Committee included: Anne Lecci-chairperson, Mary DiSario, Yvonne Broderick, Lauri Affrunti, Pam Horman, Anna Milione, Beth Williams and Sheila Giambanco. The night had been planned for several months. The death of Stephen Grande on Oct. 1, as a result of taking heroin, had given the community a special impetus to see the real need for information on drug and alcohol abuse.

Mary DiSario said you can't overemphasize the importance of the forum. She said it will take a community effort to stamp out drug abuse. "I hope this night will call you to action. To create a community action committee and a parent networking committee."

Police Officer DeGasperus explained an anonymous program that allows parents to bring a suspected drug to them, in an envelope on which they put a code name. The substance is given to the police, who have it tested. By calling 573-7750, the parent can give the code name and be given in return, the identity of the substance to ascertain if their child is involved with drugs.

He mentioned current drugs such as Ecstasy; "Special K," a ketamine hallucinogen; acid and heroin which are being used currently.

To the children he said, "It's an old adage, but it works, just say no!"

Attorney Leonard Austin, who has published more than 14 articles dealing with matrimonial and family law said in his profession, he can see how families can be broken up because of drugs and alcohol.

He gave a run-down on the serious way drug abuse is taken by the courts. They start out with a 90-day program, than if the person turns around, they are done with the case. When that doesn't happen, the process continues and can result in a record that follows them all their adult life.

Janet Sarandrea, a certified addiction specialist and assistant professor at Molloy College gave information on the various drugs being used today. She set the stage by saying adolescence is a particularly difficult time of life when some young people face depression and grief; peer pressure; anxiety about grades; and turn to handle their problems by using drugs and alcohol.

She urged parents to watch for changes in the behavior of their children including temper flare-ups; deterioration of physical appearance; wearing sunglasses inappropriately; long sleeves in hot weather.

She advised parents to "Go with your gut instincts."

Most important, she said, "Maintain a dialog about drugs and alcohol. Avoid a threatening approach. Let them know they can come to you."

She advised they learn child development to understand what their children are going through.

"Get involved with church and parent groups. Spend time with your kids."

She called cigarettes a gateway drug which is highly addictive, toxic and causes dependence.

Alcohol affects the central nervous system and is a depressant, she said, and reminded listeners that a can of beer, a shot of whiskey and a glass of wine contain the same amount of alcohol.

Drinking doesn't mellow people, she said, it aggravates them and makes them moody.

Heroin is illegal and cheap at $10 a bag. Recently the sellers have made it "user friendly," it is no longer necessary to stick a needle into yourself to use it. It can be sniffed. The global market is pushing it, she said. "It can kill you because it is a deadly habit and has severe withdrawal symptoms."

Crack is a form of cocaine that offers toxicity, seizures, strokes and heart attacks.

Marijuana again is a gateway drug with a toxic effect on the brain. "It is the most common non-legal drug in the United States."

The newest drug is Methamphetamine which is made in California and creates "A rush to hell. You just don't want to stop going. It leads to dependency, paranoia, stroke and weight loss."

Young people are also using common gases as inhalants, such as that found in a can of whipped cream. They cause brain damage.

There is still LSD, angel dust, which causes violence and psychosis and is on the rise again, she said.

Anabolic steroids are used that cause aggression and behavioral disturbances.

Special K is a dissociative anesthetic agent.

Flunitrazepam is smuggled across the border and is the date rape drug which wipes out memory and will.

Most drug use begins between 12 and 20 years and goes through four stages: experimental, occasional, regular and dependence. "It you are scared of drugs, you are smart," she said.

She offered hotline numbers: NIDA at 1-800-662-HELP or 1-800-729-6686 for information.

The keynote speaker was Father Frank Pizzarelli, a Monfort Missionary, who runs Hope House in Port Jefferson where he helps young people get back on track. He shared his life experience which includes burying 67 young people who died through making poor choices.

He said he found a form of poverty here on Long Island worse than economic deprivation - one of a lack of spirituality - caring and concern. It paralyzes us, he said.

"I believe Oyster Bay cares. It wants to not forget what has happened and wants to protect others from what you as a community have experienced," he said.

He read a letter from a 15-year-old he had known and who hung himself. Father Frank had seen the signs but hadn't been able to convince others of his concern.

He said the most destructive thing is silence and mouthing platitudes of love and caring.

Parents have to be willing to say no to keg parties and report a suspected one to the police.

He said if people will stand together and come to task, there will be no more tragedies.

He said the young man who hung himself, had been at risk in spite of the fact that he was a good kid and did all the right things and still he was in pain. He fell between the cracks, said Father Frank.

"Young people deal with more stress and grief than realized, and haven't been given the tools to deal with them. They shouldn't feel that drugs and alcohol are a way to handle stress."

He said he has had a least a dozen young people from this community come to Hope House.

He told of another 17-year-old who died after running out of a graduation party after having an argument with his mother about the drinking going on. No one stopped him as he took the keys to his brand new car and drove 80 miles an hour into Port Jefferson and crashed into a tree, and then flew through the air into another tree 100 yards away.

"Of the 150 kids at the party, no one grabbed his keys. Friends don't let friends drive drunk," he said.

At the funeral football players sobbed. The boy's mother, 19 years later, goes to the cemetery every Saturday.

"I've repeated that (funeral) 67 times after senseless deaths due to drugs and alcohol."

He said the most recent was an 18-year-old senior in Massapequa who OD'd on heroin at a party with friends on July 4.

He asked students to stand up in front of the stage, shoulder to shoulder. The line went down the side aisles. "The toughest group to face," he said, "Is your own peers." He asked them to hold hands in solidarity.

"Think of how to be a better parent," he said to the audience.

He put on a tape of Whitney Huston signing The Greatest Love, and asked the audience to sing to the students who were standing in front. It was a moving time for everyone. "Never forget that line of solidarity of children and people saying they care," he said.

As the PTSA portion of the meeting ended, Matt Brown introduced Victor Grande who said a parenting network is forming to make parents more responsible for their children. That was when he asked about the Homecoming party for seniors in the Cove.

Matt Brown asked parents to sign up to get information on the proposed Parents Network "so you can take a stand against destructive decisions."

As a sign of solidarity, he asked students to take their SADD ribbons and staple them to the attendance office board. "This is a beginning of a wonderful job we have begun."

People left the auditorium and picked up booklets, bought books relevant to the issues discussed and donated funds to help defray the cost of the program which contained important phone numbers for parents and kids.

"I hope it did some good," said Mary DiSario about the program. She said the Safe Homes program is about what was being discussed by Mr. Grande. "Maybe it will start again," she said.

"The community coalition has to start with everyone sitting down with the Nassau County Police to see how the community can work with youth and try to get a grip on this," she said.

At the desk she had drug paraphernalia that had been picked up by the police in the Trails and hidden behind the high school. They were exhibits to let parents know what kind of "stuff" is created and used for drugs. One item was a plastic soda bottle turned into a pipe.

Outside two students from SADD were giving out literature. "I liked the program. It was interesting. I cried when the Father talked," said Jatara Ishmael.

Cepeda Henderson said "It was very educational and when the Father talked, it was very emotional. He felt a lot of pain and tears."

Dr. George Chesterton, superintendent of schools, said, "It was an excellent forum. I was glad to see the type of participation by both the parents and students. It was very emotional, very positive and I think the committee did an outstanding job organizing the event."

Board member Bev Zembko commented on the good turnout of the staff members. "I hope they follow it up tomorrow in their classrooms," she said.