Friday, 05 April 2013 00:00
This country has so few (relative to population) genuine heroes (male) and heroines (female) that I don’t think any “heroine” (as reported in the March 22 page 3 headline, “Heroine Arrest”) should ever be arrested—no matter what she may have done.
I also cannot support the “sale of heroine,” as I don’t believe that such heroic women should ever be bought or sold.
As for the “undetermined amount of heroine,” I think the Plainview-Old Bethpage Herald, along with all the other Anton Community Newspapers, should conduct a survey definitively determining the exact number of actual heroines living on Long Island—and where we can find each of them whenever we need one of them in an emergency. And, so as not to be accused of gender discrimination, I also propose a similar directory of male heroes and their precise locations.
Finally, despite my admiration for the wonderful heroines of Long Island, I wish to make it clear that I am thankful that “Twenty bags of heroin were recovered along with an undetermined anount of U.S. currency, police said.”
[Editor’s Note: Either it was a typo, or it was all a diabolically clever scheme to see if you were paying attention. In other words, we were just testing you—that’s our story and we’re sticking to it.]