Has it been proved scientifically, without a shadow of a doubt, that a clean car rides smoother, travels farther and gets better gas mileage than its muddied and dirty car equivalent?

How much human energy is wasted in washing, buffing and simonizing automobiles? If all that manpower was harnessed, we could eliminate hydrocarbon atomic, hydro, nuclear and solar energy sources.

The time used by people bathing the family station wagon or SUV (whatever that stands for) could be funneled into good deeds (like helping old ladies across the street or Candy Striping at hospital emergency rooms).

An auto should get you from point A to point B! Nothing more, nothing less! Polishing does not make the trip better or worse. Is a clean car a status symbol? I hope not!

Why don't we polish our hot water heaters or our snowblowers? They, too, are inanimate objects which give us service. Don't they deserve a good coat of wax and a dusting off now and then?

I was standing at a red light last week, in my not-too-new, much-dented, 1986 Chevy Nova when I was approached by a heavily-accented gentleman in the car lane next to mine.

He offered to "bang out" all the dents in my crumpled fender and car body for $150. I wondered why he didn't remove the dents from his own car which was much more broken up than my car.

As we spoke his price kept dropping. "Ok. I will do it for $125. OK, $100, that's my bottom price." Before I could answer he said, "Seventy-five dollars and that's the limit."

He eventually did whack and bang out a few bumps and bruises on the old Chevy and we shook hands and settled for $50. It was pure capitalism and entrepreneurship on the highways.

My car did not drive any better, but even I, an old unrehabilitated anti-clean car advocate, felt a little better about the new smooth and uncratered lines of my automobile.

Is it pride or stupidity? I am really not sure!